When we start to care for somebody with dementia or Alzheimer’s, it can be difficult to transition our usual speech to fit their circumstance. Many questions and statements that we take for granted can cause them extra distress that we never mean to inflict on them.

Here are five everyday things we say that can cause the person we care for unneeded hurt and frustration, along with more effective alternatives.

“Do You Remember When…?”

The critical rule of caregiving someone with Alzheimer’s is to let the person save face. While it is tempting to try to jog their memory, putting them on the spot can remind them of all the memories they have lost or struggle to recollect.

Trying to lead with “I remember when-” so they can take their time and join the conversation if they choose. This can also help the person save face if they cannot recall the memory by allowing them to just listen.

Jeopardy Questions

“Do you know my name?”

“What did you do this morning?”

“Who is this person in the picture?”

While it is tempting to gauge where they are, putting someone struggling with dementia on the spot can lead to anger, anxiety, and frustration. Think of it like constantly dragging them in front of a classroom where they have to answer a pop quiz in front of the class, where everyone will see if they forget an answer.

Instead of conversation starters with right and wrong answers, try to focus on questions that involve opinions like “What do you think of this?” or “Isn’t this person in the picture a lovely bride?” This will allow them to save face if their memory is lapsing.

“You Just Said That”

In normal circumstances, it can feel frustrating when someone constantly repeats themselves or changes their statement a few minutes later. It’s understandable to feel helpless, unheard, or bothered when you are on the receiving end. It can be hard to remember how difficult the struggle with memory and percept becomes for people with Alzheimer’s.

Try to be patient, answer questions calmly, and avoid getting hung up on the accuracy of the things they say. If you need to, find a moment to leave the room and settle frazzled nerves before continuing.

“You’re Wrong”

Whether it is a person’s name, schedule, memory, or political stance, leading a response by bluntly contradicting them will lead to anger and defensiveness.

Instead, reply with a thank you for their information and gently steer towards any important goals. For example, if they insist someone is not their doctor, acknowledge their statement, and gently explain the former doctor is not available today. Then encourage visiting the correct doctor because they have the medical file to take care of their appointment.

“They are Dead”

A person with Alzheimer’s may forget a loved one’s death or estrangement. A blunt reminder can thrust them back into the shock and distress of hearing the news for the first time.

The best way to handle this situation will differ based on the circumstance. The key goal is to minimize the distress without trying to avoid the statement. For example:

• If they are talking about their loved one as if they are still alive, like saying they are meeting in a few days, don’t correct it. Just thank them for the information.
• If they ask why the loved one isn’t there, empathetically say they can’t make it. Steering the conversation to talk about the loved one can often offer comfort.
• It is best to give an honest and empathetic answer if they ask directly.

Do your best to read the situation. Sometimes there are no right answers, but you can be prepared to lend comfort if needed.

The Master Caregiver Company is dedicated to taking “the box” off the basics of caregiving. If you have questions about caring for your loved one with Alzheimer’s, contact us today to get additional information or schedule an appointment.